“I need to buy all of these. Every. Single. One.”
~You
Art is okay, we guess. It’s one of the classiest ways to see boobs, and if you have a friend that’s deciding to not make money by painting shit for a living, you at least can go to their gallery openings for an evening of free wine and sub-par cheese spreads. And there are plenty of Americans who have added very iconic and significant contributions to the artistic and pop culture world, like that one guy who designed the label for Campbell’s soup.
But if there are kinds of art that we don’t particularly care for (looking at you, 25 foot black canvas with a single silver dot on it), there’s one that we can never get enough of. And that would be images of American presidents and historical figures doing badass things in impossible contexts. We’ve shown some of these images on our site before, but now it’s time we give proper due, thanks to the gentle prodding from Bro Bible, to American digital artist Jason Heuser. Because any man that can depict Ben Franklin with Wolverine claws fighting Zeus deserves our money.
We’ve posted this one before, but there are a lot of fine points that we feel needs addressing. First of all, if you saw this picture and your first reaction was, “Well wait, if you sit on an American flag as a Grizzly Bear saddle, doesn’t that mar the flag, like letting it touch the ground” you are probably a flag display expert who happens to suffer from OCD. Still others of you might be wondering if the mist is just spittle from the roaring bear, or if it’s snowing, and to you we say stop fucking nitpicking, it’s Abraham Lincoln holding the Emancipation Proclamation in one hand and a machine gun in another while riding a goddamn bear!
We can’t speak for the author’s intent, but we’re pretty sure that immediately after this point in this picture, C. Dale Petersen shows up and teaches Lincoln how to kill the bear with his bare hands. Again, just speculation.
Here’s another one we’ve shown you before, and this is just as important to delve into. There are so many amazing things going on here that it’s easy to miss some of the details. You’re so busy focusing on Teddy Roosevelt holding an American flag while blasting away Bigfoot that you forget that we’ve always dreamed of typing that very sentence, and also that the whole thing is taking place in the middle of a forest fire. So clearly, Teddy Roosevelt adheres to the “smoke them out” strategy of hunting, as seen by Bill Murray in Caddyshack. Only Teddy Roosevelt is so single-minded in his quests that he doesn’t care about collateral damage—look behind the tree to the left and you can see the shrieking silhouette of a dying man who clearly didn’t get the memo that when Teddy Roosevelt wants to burn down a forest you get the fuck out of that forest.
This is just another reason why forest preserves are a bad idea. You’re not only protecting, ugh, nature, but you’re leaving dozens of people at risk, inviting them to go drinking in the woods right before Teddy Roosevelt lights the fucker up in his never-ending quest to kill Bigfoot.
The only factual error in this picture is that you can clearly see that Teddy Roosevelt missed Bigfoot with the majority of his bullets. This is a blatant lie. Teddy Roosevelt never misses, in anything. And we mean anything. The man only had conventional sex with his wife five times.
“Why would Thomas Jefferson punch a gorilla? What did they do to him?” is a question that you will ask if you are the worst person in America. Are you the worst person in America? Then don’t ask that question. Of course Thomas Jefferson would punch gorillas, and he’s prefer to do it while holding the Declaration of Independence and having two quill feathers in his belt in case he feels he needs a weapon to take out the eyes of the clearly pissed off ape behind him, who despite his best efforts has only been able to tear a small piece of fabric from Jefferson’s right pant leg.
We did some exhaustive studies (we broke into a zoo) to determine if gorilla blood actually looks how it is depicted in this picture, and we are pleased to say, it absolutely does. And, if the fine folks at PETA are reading this and getting riled up that we’d punch gorillas for sport? Come at us, bro. Come at us.
John F. Kennedy is known for making the bold proclamation that an American would set foot on the moon before the year 1970, a prophesy that he fulfilled when he rode his NASA robot unicorn to the moon and started collecting the skulls of moon people to dangle off his saddle while gripping a knife that is still dripping their green blood (as we all know, moon people have green blood).
In the description of this print on Heuser’s website, he claims that JFK lived on the moon for 26 years killing aliens before NASA lost communication. This clearly isn’t the case, obviously he was only slaying all moon men so he could repopulate the moon with half-JFK-half-sexy-moon-lady babies. Asking JFK to spend 26 years celibate is like asking Ernest Hemingway to befriend a bull.
We don’t know who Ronald Reagan and his trusty Velociraptor steed (who we have to assume is named Gipper), but no matter what the answer is, the answer is “Russians.” It’s always Russians. We wish we got to see more of Ron using that missile launcher, but beggars can’t be choosers when it comes to pictures of Presidents riding dinosaurs while F-15s do flyovers in the top right corner.
It’s really just a shame that Reagan lost his cowboy hat. Granted, his hair is immaculate, as always, but we’ve just always wanted to see a president whose name doesn’t rhyme with “Schmeddy Schmoosevelt” fire a gun while wearing a cowboy hat.
People worry about the robot apocalypse, when all the machines will rise up as one to wipe out humanity, and it is a pressing concern, especially when we live in a world where we’ve created tiny bomb-delivering robots that can play the James Bond theme. But fear not, because once Skynet takes over, we’ll be able to unleash Mecka-FDR to crush their revolution before it even begins, with the help of his trusty bald eagle sidekick, the confusingly named “Toucan Sam.”
It’s important to note that this image confirms what we’ve long suspected—FDR is a Transformer. His wheelchair was more than meets the eye, and it folds out into an American flag adorned killing machine. With a spear made out of Old Glory as its most potent weapon. Mecka-FDR is the only thing left in the world that truly terrifies the nation of Japan.
When the aliens invaded, and we re-animated Andrew Jackson using Iron Man technology, and we handed him his laser gun and broadsword (“Wait, broadsword?” DON’T QUESTION IT!) we figured the best way to make him an even more efficient weapon for the sake of humanity would be to tell him that all the Aliens were the crossbreed of Native Americans and British Red Coats. Because if you put Andrew Jackson alone in a room with a Native American and a British Red Coat, the room ends up looking like you put a Florida marlin into an industrial sized blender and turned it on “high” with no top on. Things get messy, is what we’re trying to say.
We’ve previously featured this before, but anytime you can show George Washington killing prisoners-turned-zombies while wearing what appear to be very comfortable American flag pants (except for the knee pads) you fucking show it. George Washington was kind enough to use pistols instead of his laser vision in this illustration, though apparently Washington knows shit about how to kill a zombie, since he keeps shooting them in the chest. George, we’ve been over this a thousand times—you can only stop a zombie by removing the head or destroying the brain. We repeat. By removing the head, or destroying the brain. This is rookie.
And last but not least, another instance of George Washington being George Washington. If every single advertisement for the film The Perfect Storm was replaced by this image, the movie would have smashed every single opening weekend box office record, and pissed off millions of Americans who spent two hours waiting for bearded George Clooney to get off the screen so the Washington/tiger fight could finally go down. It would teach everyone a valuable lesson—any time a film is promising to show you Washington fighting a tiger, it’s a lie to steal your money. Not this, though. This is just pure beauty.
Just look at the level of “no shit being given” on his face. This is the man who is on a sinking boat in the middle of a tidal wave whose sole concern is to fuck nature right in it’s toothy face. That is American, ladies and gentlemen. God bless.
